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“The airship comes from China and is of a civilian nature”

Chinese Foreign Ministry
Stitching This With Their Best Espionage Story

04 Feb 2023

“While attempting to take the suspect into custody, another confrontation occurred; however, the suspect was ultimately apprehended.”

Memphis Police Department
Violent Street Gang

02 Feb 2023

“This one was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It did not stop.”

Shally
Monterey Park Shooting Victim

24 Jan 2023

“Trump just announced for 2024. I stand with him. I never conceded my HD 14 race. Now researching my options.”

Solomon Peña
Grand Old Partier

22 Jan 2023

“By the way, my Corvette’s in a locked garage, okay?”

Joe Biden
Improperly Vetted

16 Jan 2023

“I ran out of things I could even imagine to ask for.”

Rep. Matt Gaetz
Briefly forgetting about underage girls

06 Jan 2023

“there’s so much fun to be had in this storytelling that I do.”

Bill Cosby
America’s Predator Dad

31 Dec 2022

“Almost every person in the room clapped like a seal…they applaud, all of them, almost like they have to.”

Comrade Carlson
Almost Like He Has To

27 Dec 2022

“We do stupid things in life.”

Rep.-elect George Santos (R-NY)
If That’s Even His Real Name

27 Dec 2022

“SpaceX has not typically purchased large advertising packages from Twitter.”

Current and Former SpaceX Employees
God Rest Their Souls

20 Nov 2022

“If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed…….and we will deserve it.”

Lindsay Graham
Deserves It

01 Nov 2022

“I know nothing of any woman having an abortion. If that had happened, I would have said there’s nothing to be ashamed of there. People have done that—but I know nothing about it.”

Herschel Walker
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.

08 Oct 2022

“I’m not that smart.”

Herschel Walker
Special Teams

24 Sep 2022

“Put on the full armor of God. Stand firm against the left’s schemes.”

Ron DeSantis
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit

20 Sep 2022

“Everything I had was in that phone! All these businesses…Those aren’t in any cloud!”

Mike Lindell
Probably Going to MyPrison

17 Sep 2022

“He’s going to fucking lose.”

Donald Trump
Subject Matter Expert

20 Aug 2022

“Well I…legitimately, I own two houses. But, uh, one of them we’re building on—the other ones I rent.”

The Neither Great Nor Powerful Dr. Oz
Jersey Boy

20 Aug 2022

Che

“At a time when we needed all hands on deck, Liz Cheney jumped ship, dogpaddled to the other side, and is now shooting back at us.”

18 Aug 2022

“One dollar. Not proven.”

Andino Reynal
Alex Jones’s Lawyer, Just Before Losing a Case for $4.1M

04 Aug 2022

“If your policy does not cover all your damage expenses, you may be eligible for federal assistance.”

FEMA

31 Jul 2022

“It’s a joke. They’re a joke. They’ve got no business wearing a badge. None of them do.”

Vincent Salazar
Grandfather of Slain 11-year-old Layla Salazer

17 Jul 2022

“I’m the fucking president—take me up to the Capitol now!”

Donald Trump
The D.C. Strangler

30 Jun 2022

“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others.”

Matthew 6:5
The Bible®

27 Jun 2022

“I was upset that they were not prepared for the massive cheating (as well as other lawyers around the President) I REFUSED all alcohol that evening. My favorite drink..Diet Pepsi.”

Rudy Giuliani
Asti Spumante

16 Jun 2022

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

17 May 2022

“Women are not without electoral or political power.”

Justice Samuel Alito
Woman Expert

03 May 2022

“Years on end of near total isolation exact a terrible price.”

Justice Anthony Kennedy

16 Apr 2022

“I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, ‘This is genius.’ Putin declares a big portion of Ukraine — Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful.”

Donald Trump
Fucking Monster

12 Mar 2022

“This is a relatively civilized, relatively European—I have to choose those words carefully, too—city, where you wouldn’t expect that or hope that it’s going to happen.”

Charlie D’Agata
CBS News Casual Racism Correspondent

07 Mar 2022

“Don’t worry, don’t pick your gender yet.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis
Florida Man

25 Feb 2022

“WHEREAS, Representative Cheney and Kinzinger are participating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse…”

Republican National Confederacy

09 Feb 2022

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

04 Feb 2022

“If I die, I die.”

Marvin Lee “Meat Loaf” Aday
Keeps the Doctor Away

27 Jan 2022

“Maybe you do a clinical trial, and it’ll show it’s less effective than against delta. That may be the case. But we have patients who have benefited. That’s just the fact.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis

26 Jan 2022

“We fight like hell. And if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”

Donald J. Trump
Traitor

06 Jan 2022

“She is a fearless leader, a defender of the America First Agenda, and a fighter against the Loser RINOs and Radical Democrats.”

Donald J. Trump
Aspiring Despot

18 Dec 2021

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

14 Dec 2021

“He can’t be scripted, and he’s injudicious, and he often doesn’t understand that the process is about events and facts, rather than being performance art. ”

Tim O’Brien
Trump Biographer

12 Dec 2021

“She doesn’t have a backpack, we should be fine.”

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)

10 Dec 2021

“[ It’s a ] symbol of racism.”

Jeffrey Sheffield
Attorney for Racist Murderer Travis McMichael

25 Nov 2021

JWB

“Fucking nigger.”

Travis McMichael
Racist Murderer, Standing Over the Body of His Innocent Victim

24 Nov 2021

“I’m sorry, I don’t know much about ammo.”

Kyle Rittenhouse
Child, Murderer

17 Nov 2021

“I do love grilling and cooking, and that was silly, and I appreciate that everyone enjoys it.”

Mark Zuckerberg
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur

01 Nov 2021

“Joe Manchin, I talk to his office every week.”

Keith McCoy
Senior Director for Federal Relations, ExxonMobil

30 Oct 2021

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

01 Oct 2021

“These agents are highly trained along with their horses and they were doing exactly what they were trained to do.”

Jon Anfinsen
Border Patrol Agent and Union Vice President

23 Sep 2021

“At this point, we think the procedures were correctly followed, and this was a righteous strike. Were there others killed? Yes, there are others killed. Who they are, we don’t know.”

Gen. Mark A. Milley
Righteous Dude

21 Sep 2021

“Basically, we stand for body autonomy.”

Some Fucking Moron
I don’t even care enough to cut and paste their name

16 Sep 2021

“Robert E. Lee is considered by many Generals to be the greatest strategist of them all.”

Donald Trump
U.S. History Scholar & Renowned Military Strategist

10 Sep 2021

“Jim Jordan called me crying, groveling, begging me to go against my brother, begging me, crying for a half-hour. That’s the kind of cover-up that’s going on there.”

Adam DiSabato
Ohio State Wrestler

09 Sep 2021

“[Allah] endowed us with the right to life.”

Mulluh Greg Abbott
Islamic Emirate of Texas

08 Sep 2021

“I know that the ruling was a very complex and also probably temporary. I think other things will happen and that will be the big deal and the big picture. So we’ll see what would happen, but we’re studying the ruling and we’re studying also what, what they’ve done in Texas, but we have great confidence in the governor and the attorney general and the lieutenant governor.”

Donald Trump
Repeat Customer

07 Sep 2021

“This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary.”

Aunt Lydia
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

02 Sep 2021

“Senate Bill One will solidify … the outcome of our elections by making it easier to … cheat.”

Gov. Rick Abbott
(More or Less, You Know It’s What He’s Thinking)

01 Sep 2021

“I’m not taking it. Are you kidding me? Mr. Anti-Vax? Jeepers. No.”

Marc Bernier
Former Right-Wing Pundit, Current Worm Food

30 Aug 2021

“It’s almost deja vu—a reboot. We knew this. We all anticipated this. This is no surprise to any of us in the health care world.”

Shankar Kurra, M.D.
Rapid City Hospital, South Dakota,

29 Aug 2021

“That would not have been possible if we had followed Fauci. Instead we followed freedom. And that’s the reason Florida is doing better.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis

23 Aug 2021

“Jacksonville is kind of the epicenter of this. They had one of the lowest vaccination rates going into July and that has probably really came back to bite them.”

Justin Senior
CEO, Florida Safety Net Hospital Alliance

21 Aug 2021

“This could’ve been prevented if we’d gotten vaccination numbers to higher levels.”

Donald Williamson
President, Alabama Hospital Association

20 Aug 2021

“I am driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, ‘ George go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan. ’ And I did. And then God would tell me, ‘ George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq. ’ And I did.”

George W. Bush
War Criminal

14 Aug 2021

“The infections are expanding at a pace we have never experienced before.”

Prime Minister Yosihide Suga

05 Aug 2021

“We are not shutting down.”

Gov. Ron DeSantis

03 Aug 2021

“I’m building infrastructure the hard way. I’m using my resources to put in place heavy lifting infrastructure so the next generation of people can have a dynamic, entrepreneurial explosion into space.”

CEO, entrepeneur, born in 1964, Jeffrey…Jeffrey Bezos

28 Jul 2021

“He yelled at the campaign’s data analysts, as if it were their fault that his father’s early leads over Biden were shrinking. ‘ We pay you to do this, ’ he said. ‘ How can this be happening? ’”

Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year

16 Jul 2021

“Just say no…And keep saying no…Over Half of the US population is continuing to say no to this unapproved experimental gene therapy! ‘My body, my choice!’ #2ndAmendmentIsForThis”

Rob Schneider

11 Jul 2021

“His team has been working around the clock, which — he should buy them drinks, but they shouldn’t drink it.”

Greg Gutfeld
Fox News Senior Rape Apologist

30 Jun 2021

After

“In no other manner and by no other means, in my judgment, can our Indian population be so speedily and permanently reclaimed from the barbarism, idolatry, and savage life, as by the educational and missionary operations of the Christian people of our country.”

Hiram Price
U.S. Commissioner of Indian Affairs

27 Jun 2021

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

15 Jun 2021

“We birthed a nation from nothing — I mean, there was nothing here.”

Rick Santorum
Frothy Poop Mixture

30 May 2021

“We ain’t woke.”

hatWRKS Nashville
Facist Haberdashery

29 May 2021

“You know, I can laugh about things like the Grim Reaper, but calling me Moscow Mitch is over the top.”

Moscow Mitch McConnell (R-RU)

29 May 2021

“Enough.”

President Joe Biden

26 May 2021

“You know, we can look back at a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star, and they were definitely treated like second class citizens, so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in Nazi Germany. And this is exactly the type of abuse that Nancy Pelosi is talking about.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene
Ersatz Human,

25 May 2021

“He would never have anticipated finding himself in the situation, but for the president and the rally and the way everything went down. We’ve heard ‘ mob mentality ’ — and he describes it to a T.”

Brent Mayr
Defense Attorney & Insurrection Apologist

24 May 2021

“Against an implacable, well-entrenched, nonstate enemy like the Hamas, Israel simply needs to ‘mow the grass’ once in a while to degrade enemy capabilities.”

Efraim Inbara & Eitan Shamira
Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies

19 May 2021

“They’re accusing me of being aggressive and saying that my mannerisms are wrong. It’s definitely the other way round.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
Moronic Asshole

19 May 2021

“His abuse of power as an elected member of Congress to smear a fellow veteran who works as a staffer in the same halls is disgraceful and unethical.”

494 U.S. Military Vets to Dan Crenshaw (R-TX)

18 May 2021

“Don’t worry—it will be fine, the Iron Dome will save us.”

Random Israeli

13 May 2021

“Why would you do this to anyone, let alone…the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the United States?”

Robert Costello
Idiot Lawyer’s Idiot Lawyer

30 Apr 2021

“Who among us would look perfect if every ex leaked every photo/text?”

Matt Gaetz
Bizarro Donny Osmond

10 Apr 2021

“Somebody pointed out that this is a ‘Mr.’ And we cannot have a ‘Mr’. Can we? We cannot have a ‘Mr.’ Somebody, somewhere, pointed out that this is toxic masculinity. Erm, and it was bad for somebody’s mental health somewhere to have Mr. Potato Head.”

Piers Morgan
Friend of LIterally No One

12 Mar 2021

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

26 Feb 2021

“What would that look like anyway? A laser beam or light beam coming down to Earth I guess. Could that cause a fire? Hmmm, I don’t know. I hope not! That wouldn’t look so good for PG&E, Rothschild Inc, Solaren or Jerry Brown who sure does seem fond of PG&E.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene
Majorly Troublesome Gourd

01 Feb 2021

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

21 Jan 2021

“Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in Jihad…”

Donald Trump

27 Dec 2020

“I feel I’m nothing today. I feel I’m nothing. I lost my son and I feel I’m nothing.”

Mohammed Kinani

26 Dec 2020

“As the Holiday season approaches, President Trump will continue to work tirelessly for the American People.”

The White House

25 Dec 2020

“If President Trump grants me this miracle, I can honestly say I am putting everyone connected to that zoo and that industry behind me.”

Joe Exotic

23 Dec 2020

“…the great vast majority of the psychological community says homosexuality at a very minimum is a choice by the individual, and at the maximum, is a learned behavior.”

Mike Pence
No Homo

21 Dec 2020

“…almost 12 million renters faced average rent and utility debts of $5,850…The estimate is almost ten times the size of the $600 checks offered in Congress’ second COVID-19 stimulus package.”

Moodys Analytics

21 Dec 2020

“It affects virtually nobody.”

Donald Trump

20 Dec 2020

“They’re afraid to say what’s on their mind for fear of getting into a fight. But if they have that guy or that group behind them, they’re more bold in saying what they think, because they think someone has their back. The Proud Boys are the vehicle that attracts those people and accepts them in.”

Russell Schultz
ex-Proud Boy

18 Dec 2020

“The magnitude of this national security breach is hard to overstate.”

Thomas P. Bossert
Former DHS Security Advisor

18 Dec 2020

“…a team deployed by the General Services Administration will…‘thoroughly clean and disinfect’ all furniture, doorknobs, handrails and light switches, before Biden and his team move in. Additionally, a private contractor will provide ‘disinfectant misting services’ to clear the air of lingering droplets.”

Politico

17 Dec 2020

“It’s going to be gradual, and I think we will know when we see the level of infection in the country at a dramatically lower level than it is right now that we can start gradually tiptoeing toward normality.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci

16 Dec 2020

“The Swine Flu (H1N1), and the attempt for a vaccine by the Obama Administration, with Joe Biden in charge, was a complete and total disaster. Now they want to come in and take over one of the greatest and fastest medical miracles in modern day history. I don’t think so!”

Donald Trump

15 Dec 2020

“Wednesday’s toll eclipsed American deaths on the opening day of the Normandy invasion during World War II: 2,500, out of some 4,400 Allied dead.”

Associated Press

14 Dec 2020

“…we’re going to win this election in a landslide.”

Donald Trump

11 Dec 2020

“Things are really bad.”

Dr. Ashish Jha
Brown Univ School of Public Health

10 Dec 2020

“President Trump won this election in a landslide…it’s going to be irrefutable…this is essentially a new American revolution…and I’m going to release the Kraken.”

Sidney Powell

09 Dec 2020

“…those facing hunger will swell to 1 in 6 people, from 35 million in 2019 to more than 50 million by this year’s end. The consequences are even more dire for children — 1 in 4.”

Feeding America

08 Dec 2020

[email protected], by far the greatest mayor in the history of NYC, and who has been working tirelessly exposing the most corrupt election (by far!) in the history of the USA, has tested positive for the China Virus. Get better soon Rudy, we will carry on!!!”

Donald Trump

07 Dec 2020

“There’s plenty of data that could show in states with mask mandates are also having record cases and record deaths. If someone can show me the correlation between the mandate and their performance, that would be a good thing to see.”

Doug Burgum
Governor of South Dakota

05 Dec 2020