“The airship comes from China and is of a civilian nature”
Chinese Foreign Ministry
Stitching This With Their Best Espionage Story
Stitching This With Their Best Espionage Story
Static Image
“While attempting to take the suspect into custody, another confrontation occurred; however, the suspect was ultimately apprehended.”
Memphis Police Department
Violent Street Gang
Violent Street Gang
“This one was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It did not stop.”
Shally
Monterey Park Shooting Victim
Monterey Park Shooting Victim
“Trump just announced for 2024. I stand with him. I never conceded my HD 14 race. Now researching my options.”
Solomon Peña
Grand Old Partier
Grand Old Partier
“By the way, my Corvette’s in a locked garage, okay?”
Joe Biden
Improperly Vetted
Improperly Vetted
“I ran out of things I could even imagine to ask for.”
Rep. Matt Gaetz
Briefly forgetting about underage girls
Briefly forgetting about underage girls
“there’s so much fun to be had in this storytelling that I do.”
Bill Cosby
America’s Predator Dad
America’s Predator Dad
“Almost every person in the room clapped like a seal…they applaud, all of them, almost like they have to.”
Comrade Carlson
Almost Like He Has To
Almost Like He Has To
“We do stupid things in life.”
Rep.-elect George Santos (R-NY)
If That’s Even His Real Name
If That’s Even His Real Name
“SpaceX has not typically purchased large advertising packages from Twitter.”
Current and Former SpaceX Employees
God Rest Their Souls
God Rest Their Souls
“If we nominate Trump, we will get destroyed…….and we will deserve it.”
Lindsay Graham
Deserves It
Deserves It
“I know nothing of any woman having an abortion. If that had happened, I would have said there’s nothing to be ashamed of there. People have done that—but I know nothing about it.”
Herschel Walker
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
“I’m not that smart.”
Herschel Walker
Special Teams
Special Teams
“Put on the full armor of God. Stand firm against the left’s schemes.”
Ron DeSantis
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
“Everything I had was in that phone! All these businesses…Those aren’t in any cloud!”
Mike Lindell
Probably Going to MyPrison
Probably Going to MyPrison
“He’s going to fucking lose.”
Donald Trump
Subject Matter Expert
Subject Matter Expert
“Well I…legitimately, I own two houses. But, uh, one of them we’re building on—the other ones I rent.”
The Neither Great Nor Powerful Dr. Oz
Jersey Boy
Jersey Boy
“At a time when we needed all hands on deck, Liz Cheney jumped ship, dogpaddled to the other side, and is now shooting back at us.”
“One dollar. Not proven.”
Andino Reynal
Alex Jones’s Lawyer, Just Before Losing a Case for $4.1M
Alex Jones’s Lawyer, Just Before Losing a Case for $4.1M
“If your policy does not cover all your damage expenses, you may be eligible for federal assistance.”
FEMA
“It’s a joke. They’re a joke. They’ve got no business wearing a badge. None of them do.”
Vincent Salazar
Grandfather of Slain 11-year-old Layla Salazer
Grandfather of Slain 11-year-old Layla Salazer
“I’m the fucking president—take me up to the Capitol now!”
Donald Trump
The D.C. Strangler
The D.C. Strangler
“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others.”
Matthew 6:5
The Bible®
The Bible®
“I was upset that they were not prepared for the massive cheating (as well as other lawyers around the President) I REFUSED all alcohol that evening. My favorite drink..Diet Pepsi.”
Rudy Giuliani
Asti Spumante
Asti Spumante
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“Women are not without electoral or political power.”
Justice Samuel Alito
Woman Expert
Woman Expert
“Years on end of near total isolation exact a terrible price.”
Justice Anthony Kennedy
“I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, ‘This is genius.’ Putin declares a big portion of Ukraine — Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that’s wonderful.”
Donald Trump
Fucking Monster
Fucking Monster
“This is a relatively civilized, relatively European—I have to choose those words carefully, too—city, where you wouldn’t expect that or hope that it’s going to happen.”
Charlie D’Agata
CBS News Casual Racism Correspondent
CBS News Casual Racism Correspondent
“Don’t worry, don’t pick your gender yet.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
Florida Man
Florida Man
“WHEREAS, Representative Cheney and Kinzinger are participating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse…”
Republican National Confederacy
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“If I die, I die.”
Marvin Lee “Meat Loaf” Aday
Keeps the Doctor Away
Keeps the Doctor Away
“Maybe you do a clinical trial, and it’ll show it’s less effective than against delta. That may be the case. But we have patients who have benefited. That’s just the fact.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“We fight like hell. And if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”
Donald J. Trump
Traitor
Traitor
“She is a fearless leader, a defender of the America First Agenda, and a fighter against the Loser RINOs and Radical Democrats.”
Donald J. Trump
Aspiring Despot
Aspiring Despot
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“He can’t be scripted, and he’s injudicious, and he often doesn’t understand that the process is about events and facts, rather than being performance art. ”
Tim O’Brien
Trump Biographer
Trump Biographer
“She doesn’t have a backpack, we should be fine.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“[ It’s a ] symbol of racism.”
Jeffrey Sheffield
Attorney for Racist Murderer Travis McMichael
Attorney for Racist Murderer Travis McMichael
“Fucking nigger.”
Travis McMichael
Racist Murderer, Standing Over the Body of His Innocent Victim
Racist Murderer, Standing Over the Body of His Innocent Victim
“I’m sorry, I don’t know much about ammo.”
Kyle Rittenhouse
Child, Murderer
Child, Murderer
“I do love grilling and cooking, and that was silly, and I appreciate that everyone enjoys it.”
Mark Zuckerberg
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
“Joe Manchin, I talk to his office every week.”
Keith McCoy
Senior Director for Federal Relations, ExxonMobil
Senior Director for Federal Relations, ExxonMobil
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“These agents are highly trained along with their horses and they were doing exactly what they were trained to do.”
Jon Anfinsen
Border Patrol Agent and Union Vice President
Border Patrol Agent and Union Vice President
“At this point, we think the procedures were correctly followed, and this was a righteous strike. Were there others killed? Yes, there are others killed. Who they are, we don’t know.”
Gen. Mark A. Milley
Righteous Dude
Righteous Dude
“Basically, we stand for body autonomy.”
Some Fucking Moron
I don’t even care enough to cut and paste their name
I don’t even care enough to cut and paste their name
“Robert E. Lee is considered by many Generals to be the greatest strategist of them all.”
Donald Trump
U.S. History Scholar & Renowned Military Strategist
U.S. History Scholar & Renowned Military Strategist
“Jim Jordan called me crying, groveling, begging me to go against my brother, begging me, crying for a half-hour. That’s the kind of cover-up that’s going on there.”
Adam DiSabato
Ohio State Wrestler
Ohio State Wrestler
“[Allah] endowed us with the right to life.”
Mulluh Greg Abbott
Islamic Emirate of Texas
Islamic Emirate of Texas
“I know that the ruling was a very complex and also probably temporary. I think other things will happen and that will be the big deal and the big picture. So we’ll see what would happen, but we’re studying the ruling and we’re studying also what, what they’ve done in Texas, but we have great confidence in the governor and the attorney general and the lieutenant governor.”
Donald Trump
Repeat Customer
Repeat Customer
“This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary.”
Aunt Lydia
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
“Senate Bill One will solidify … the outcome of our elections by making it easier to … cheat.”
Gov. Rick Abbott
(More or Less, You Know It’s What He’s Thinking)
(More or Less, You Know It’s What He’s Thinking)
“I’m not taking it. Are you kidding me? Mr. Anti-Vax? Jeepers. No.”
Marc Bernier
Former Right-Wing Pundit, Current Worm Food
Former Right-Wing Pundit, Current Worm Food
“It’s almost deja vu—a reboot. We knew this. We all anticipated this. This is no surprise to any of us in the health care world.”
Shankar Kurra, M.D.
Rapid City Hospital, South Dakota,
Rapid City Hospital, South Dakota,
“That would not have been possible if we had followed Fauci. Instead we followed freedom. And that’s the reason Florida is doing better.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“Jacksonville is kind of the epicenter of this. They had one of the lowest vaccination rates going into July and that has probably really came back to bite them.”
Justin Senior
CEO, Florida Safety Net Hospital Alliance
CEO, Florida Safety Net Hospital Alliance
“This could’ve been prevented if we’d gotten vaccination numbers to higher levels.”
Donald Williamson
President, Alabama Hospital Association
President, Alabama Hospital Association
“I am driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, ‘ George go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan. ’ And I did. And then God would tell me, ‘ George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq. ’ And I did.”
George W. Bush
War Criminal
War Criminal
“The infections are expanding at a pace we have never experienced before.”
Prime Minister Yosihide Suga
“We are not shutting down.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“I’m building infrastructure the hard way. I’m using my resources to put in place heavy lifting infrastructure so the next generation of people can have a dynamic, entrepreneurial explosion into space.”
CEO, entrepeneur, born in 1964, Jeffrey…Jeffrey Bezos
“He yelled at the campaign’s data analysts, as if it were their fault that his father’s early leads over Biden were shrinking. ‘ We pay you to do this, ’ he said. ‘ How can this be happening? ’”
Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
“Just say no…And keep saying no…Over Half of the US population is continuing to say no to this unapproved experimental gene therapy! ‘My body, my choice!’ #2ndAmendmentIsForThis”
Rob Schneider
“His team has been working around the clock, which — he should buy them drinks, but they shouldn’t drink it.”
Greg Gutfeld
Fox News Senior Rape Apologist
Fox News Senior Rape Apologist
“In no other manner and by no other means, in my judgment, can our Indian population be so speedily and permanently reclaimed from the barbarism, idolatry, and savage life, as by the educational and missionary operations of the Christian people of our country.”
Hiram Price
U.S. Commissioner of Indian Affairs
U.S. Commissioner of Indian Affairs
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“We birthed a nation from nothing — I mean, there was nothing here.”
Rick Santorum
Frothy Poop Mixture
Frothy Poop Mixture
“We ain’t woke.”
hatWRKS Nashville
Facist Haberdashery
Facist Haberdashery
“You know, I can laugh about things like the Grim Reaper, but calling me Moscow Mitch is over the top.”
Moscow Mitch McConnell (R-RU)
“You know, we can look back at a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star, and they were definitely treated like second class citizens, so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in Nazi Germany. And this is exactly the type of abuse that Nancy Pelosi is talking about.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Ersatz Human,
Ersatz Human,
“He would never have anticipated finding himself in the situation, but for the president and the rally and the way everything went down. We’ve heard ‘ mob mentality ’ — and he describes it to a T.”
Brent Mayr
Defense Attorney & Insurrection Apologist
Defense Attorney & Insurrection Apologist
“Against an implacable, well-entrenched, nonstate enemy like the Hamas, Israel simply needs to ‘mow the grass’ once in a while to degrade enemy capabilities.”
Efraim Inbara & Eitan Shamira
Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies
Begin-Sadat Center for Strategic Studies
“They’re accusing me of being aggressive and saying that my mannerisms are wrong. It’s definitely the other way round.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
Moronic Asshole
Moronic Asshole
“His abuse of power as an elected member of Congress to smear a fellow veteran who works as a staffer in the same halls is disgraceful and unethical.”
494 U.S. Military Vets to Dan Crenshaw (R-TX)
“Don’t worry—it will be fine, the Iron Dome will save us.”
Random Israeli
“Why would you do this to anyone, let alone…the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the United States?”
Robert Costello
Idiot Lawyer’s Idiot Lawyer
Idiot Lawyer’s Idiot Lawyer
“Who among us would look perfect if every ex leaked every photo/text?”
Matt Gaetz
Bizarro Donny Osmond
Bizarro Donny Osmond
“Somebody pointed out that this is a ‘Mr.’ And we cannot have a ‘Mr’. Can we? We cannot have a ‘Mr.’ Somebody, somewhere, pointed out that this is toxic masculinity. Erm, and it was bad for somebody’s mental health somewhere to have Mr. Potato Head.”
Piers Morgan
Friend of LIterally No One
Friend of LIterally No One
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“What would that look like anyway? A laser beam or light beam coming down to Earth I guess. Could that cause a fire? Hmmm, I don’t know. I hope not! That wouldn’t look so good for PG&E, Rothschild Inc, Solaren or Jerry Brown who sure does seem fond of PG&E.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Majorly Troublesome Gourd
Majorly Troublesome Gourd
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in Jihad…”
Donald Trump
“I feel I’m nothing today. I feel I’m nothing. I lost my son and I feel I’m nothing.”
Mohammed Kinani
“As the Holiday season approaches, President Trump will continue to work tirelessly for the American People.”
The White House
“If President Trump grants me this miracle, I can honestly say I am putting everyone connected to that zoo and that industry behind me.”
Joe Exotic
“…the great vast majority of the psychological community says homosexuality at a very minimum is a choice by the individual, and at the maximum, is a learned behavior.”
Mike Pence
No Homo
No Homo
“…almost 12 million renters faced average rent and utility debts of $5,850…The estimate is almost ten times the size of the $600 checks offered in Congress’ second COVID-19 stimulus package.”
Moodys Analytics
“It affects virtually nobody.”
Donald Trump
“They’re afraid to say what’s on their mind for fear of getting into a fight. But if they have that guy or that group behind them, they’re more bold in saying what they think, because they think someone has their back. The Proud Boys are the vehicle that attracts those people and accepts them in.”
Russell Schultz
ex-Proud Boy
ex-Proud Boy
“The magnitude of this national security breach is hard to overstate.”
Thomas P. Bossert
Former DHS Security Advisor
Former DHS Security Advisor
“…a team deployed by the General Services Administration will…‘thoroughly clean and disinfect’ all furniture, doorknobs, handrails and light switches, before Biden and his team move in. Additionally, a private contractor will provide ‘disinfectant misting services’ to clear the air of lingering droplets.”
Politico
“It’s going to be gradual, and I think we will know when we see the level of infection in the country at a dramatically lower level than it is right now that we can start gradually tiptoeing toward normality.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci
“The Swine Flu (H1N1), and the attempt for a vaccine by the Obama Administration, with Joe Biden in charge, was a complete and total disaster. Now they want to come in and take over one of the greatest and fastest medical miracles in modern day history. I don’t think so!”
Donald Trump
“Wednesday’s toll eclipsed American deaths on the opening day of the Normandy invasion during World War II: 2,500, out of some 4,400 Allied dead.”
Associated Press
“…we’re going to win this election in a landslide.”
Donald Trump
“Things are really bad.”
Dr. Ashish Jha
Brown Univ School of Public Health
Brown Univ School of Public Health
“President Trump won this election in a landslide…it’s going to be irrefutable…this is essentially a new American revolution…and I’m going to release the Kraken.”
Sidney Powell
“…those facing hunger will swell to 1 in 6 people, from 35 million in 2019 to more than 50 million by this year’s end. The consequences are even more dire for children — 1 in 4.”
Feeding America
“[email protected], by far the greatest mayor in the history of NYC, and who has been working tirelessly exposing the most corrupt election (by far!) in the history of the USA, has tested positive for the China Virus. Get better soon Rudy, we will carry on!!!”
Donald Trump
“There’s plenty of data that could show in states with mask mandates are also having record cases and record deaths. If someone can show me the correlation between the mandate and their performance, that would be a good thing to see.”
Doug Burgum
Governor of South Dakota
Governor of South Dakota
“This criticism is fair. It doesn’t matter whether something is technically allowed or not—I need to hold myself to a higher standard and I will do better.”
London Breed
Mayor of San Francisco
Mayor of San Francisco
“As has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong?”
Donald Trump
“The president out the door needs to pardon his whole family and himself because they want this witch hunt to go on in perpetuity. They’re so full of rage and insanity against the president.”
Sean Hannity
The Richest Person at Rite-AID
The Richest Person at Rite-AID
“That’s all I hear about now. That’s all I hear. Turn on television—Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid. A plane goes down. 500 people dead, they don’t talk about it. Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid. By the way, on November 4, you won’t hear about it anymore.”
Donald Trump
“Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?”
Melania Trump
“For purposes of National Security, Section 230 must be immediately terminated!!!”
Donald Trump