“We have apologized for our mistake, are working to determine how it happened and make sure it never happens again.”
Aramark
(Spoiler: This is the third time it’s happened.)
(Spoiler: This is the third time it’s happened.)
American AF
“While attempting to take the suspect into custody, another confrontation occurred; however, the suspect was ultimately apprehended.”
Memphis Police Department
Violent Street Gang
Violent Street Gang
“This one was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It did not stop.”
Shally
Monterey Park Shooting Victim
Monterey Park Shooting Victim
“Trump just announced for 2024. I stand with him. I never conceded my HD 14 race. Now researching my options.”
Solomon Peña
Grand Old Partier
Grand Old Partier
“Virginia law does not allow 6-year-olds to be tried as adults.”
What?
Did that even need to be said?
Did that even need to be said?
“I ran out of things I could even imagine to ask for.”
Rep. Matt Gaetz
Briefly forgetting about underage girls
Briefly forgetting about underage girls
“Bullshit!”
Rep. Lauren Boebert
Game Recognizing Game
Game Recognizing Game
“We are not getting through this without a civil war. Prepare your mind, body and spirit.”
Stewart Rhodes
Decidedly Less Prepared Than Proported
Decidedly Less Prepared Than Proported
“As a physician, I’ve been in the room when there’s some difficult conversations happening. I don’t want the federal government involved with that, at all. I want women, doctors, local political leaders…”
Dr. Oz
Puppy Mengele
Puppy Mengele
“I know nothing of any woman having an abortion. If that had happened, I would have said there’s nothing to be ashamed of there. People have done that—but I know nothing about it.”
Herschel Walker
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
“Put on the full armor of God. Stand firm against the left’s schemes.”
Ron DeSantis
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
“He’s going to fucking lose.”
Donald Trump
Subject Matter Expert
Subject Matter Expert
“Well I…legitimately, I own two houses. But, uh, one of them we’re building on—the other ones I rent.”
The Neither Great Nor Powerful Dr. Oz
Jersey Boy
Jersey Boy
“At a time when we needed all hands on deck, Liz Cheney jumped ship, dogpaddled to the other side, and is now shooting back at us.”
“One dollar. Not proven.”
Andino Reynal
Alex Jones’s Lawyer, Just Before Losing a Case for $4.1M
Alex Jones’s Lawyer, Just Before Losing a Case for $4.1M
“If your policy does not cover all your damage expenses, you may be eligible for federal assistance.”
FEMA
“I don’t regret anything I did on that day.”
Josh Hawley (R-MO)
Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Break His Stride
Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Break His Stride
“It’s a joke. They’re a joke. They’ve got no business wearing a badge. None of them do.”
Vincent Salazar
Grandfather of Slain 11-year-old Layla Salazer
Grandfather of Slain 11-year-old Layla Salazer
“And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others.”
Matthew 6:5
The Bible®
The Bible®
“…an unbroken tradition of prohibiting abortion on pain of criminal punishment persisted from the earliest days of the common law until 1973.”
Justice Samuel Alito
History Buff
History Buff
“I was upset that they were not prepared for the massive cheating (as well as other lawyers around the President) I REFUSED all alcohol that evening. My favorite drink..Diet Pepsi.”
Rudy Giuliani
Asti Spumante
Asti Spumante
“To be honest, what was really surprising for Idahoans was the actual arrests themselves. It is very rare we see law enforcement take action against white supremacy that has openly threatened violence.”
Alicia Abbott
Idaho 97 Project
Idaho 97 Project
“Have one door into and out of the school, and have…armed police officers at that door.”
Ted Cruz
US Senator (R-Cancun)
US Senator (R-Cancun)
“They want to know if you are eating a cheeseburger which is very bad because Bill Gates wants you to eat his fake meat that grows in a peach tree dish.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Bacteria Sample
Bacteria Sample
“Women are not without electoral or political power.”
Justice Samuel Alito
Woman Expert
Woman Expert
“Years on end of near total isolation exact a terrible price.”
Justice Anthony Kennedy
“Do you agree with this book … that babies are racist?”
Cancún Ted Cruz (R-MX)
Junior Senator From Quintana Roo
Junior Senator From Quintana Roo
“This was not me encouraging rioters.”
Josh Hawley (R-MO)
Seditious Dipshit
Seditious Dipshit
“This is a relatively civilized, relatively European—I have to choose those words carefully, too—city, where you wouldn’t expect that or hope that it’s going to happen.”
Charlie D’Agata
CBS News Casual Racism Correspondent
CBS News Casual Racism Correspondent
“Don’t worry, don’t pick your gender yet.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
Florida Man
Florida Man
“WHEREAS, Representative Cheney and Kinzinger are participating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse…”
Republican National Confederacy
“If I die, I die.”
Marvin Lee “Meat Loaf” Aday
Keeps the Doctor Away
Keeps the Doctor Away
“Maybe you do a clinical trial, and it’ll show it’s less effective than against delta. That may be the case. But we have patients who have benefited. That’s just the fact.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“We fight like hell. And if you don’t fight like hell, you’re not going to have a country anymore.”
Donald J. Trump
Traitor
Traitor
“She is a fearless leader, a defender of the America First Agenda, and a fighter against the Loser RINOs and Radical Democrats.”
Donald J. Trump
Aspiring Despot
Aspiring Despot
“She doesn’t have a backpack, we should be fine.”
Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO)
“[ It’s a ] symbol of racism.”
Jeffrey Sheffield
Attorney for Racist Murderer Travis McMichael
Attorney for Racist Murderer Travis McMichael
“Fucking nigger.”
Travis McMichael
Racist Murderer, Standing Over the Body of His Innocent Victim
Racist Murderer, Standing Over the Body of His Innocent Victim
“I do love grilling and cooking, and that was silly, and I appreciate that everyone enjoys it.”
Mark Zuckerberg
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
“These agents are highly trained along with their horses and they were doing exactly what they were trained to do.”
Jon Anfinsen
Border Patrol Agent and Union Vice President
Border Patrol Agent and Union Vice President
“At this point, we think the procedures were correctly followed, and this was a righteous strike. Were there others killed? Yes, there are others killed. Who they are, we don’t know.”
Gen. Mark A. Milley
Righteous Dude
Righteous Dude
“Basically, we stand for body autonomy.”
Some Fucking Moron
I don’t even care enough to cut and paste their name
I don’t even care enough to cut and paste their name
“Robert E. Lee is considered by many Generals to be the greatest strategist of them all.”
Donald Trump
U.S. History Scholar & Renowned Military Strategist
U.S. History Scholar & Renowned Military Strategist
“[Allah] endowed us with the right to life.”
Mulluh Greg Abbott
Islamic Emirate of Texas
Islamic Emirate of Texas
“I know that the ruling was a very complex and also probably temporary. I think other things will happen and that will be the big deal and the big picture. So we’ll see what would happen, but we’re studying the ruling and we’re studying also what, what they’ve done in Texas, but we have great confidence in the governor and the attorney general and the lieutenant governor.”
Donald Trump
Repeat Customer
Repeat Customer
“This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary.”
Aunt Lydia
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
“Senate Bill One will solidify … the outcome of our elections by making it easier to … cheat.”
Gov. Rick Abbott
(More or Less, You Know It’s What He’s Thinking)
(More or Less, You Know It’s What He’s Thinking)
“I’m not taking it. Are you kidding me? Mr. Anti-Vax? Jeepers. No.”
Marc Bernier
Former Right-Wing Pundit, Current Worm Food
Former Right-Wing Pundit, Current Worm Food
“It’s almost deja vu—a reboot. We knew this. We all anticipated this. This is no surprise to any of us in the health care world.”
Shankar Kurra, M.D.
Rapid City Hospital, South Dakota,
Rapid City Hospital, South Dakota,
“That would not have been possible if we had followed Fauci. Instead we followed freedom. And that’s the reason Florida is doing better.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“Jacksonville is kind of the epicenter of this. They had one of the lowest vaccination rates going into July and that has probably really came back to bite them.”
Justin Senior
CEO, Florida Safety Net Hospital Alliance
CEO, Florida Safety Net Hospital Alliance
“This could’ve been prevented if we’d gotten vaccination numbers to higher levels.”
Donald Williamson
President, Alabama Hospital Association
President, Alabama Hospital Association
“I am driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, ‘ George go and fight these terrorists in Afghanistan. ’ And I did. And then God would tell me, ‘ George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq. ’ And I did.”
George W. Bush
War Criminal
War Criminal
“We are not shutting down.”
Gov. Ron DeSantis
“I’m building infrastructure the hard way. I’m using my resources to put in place heavy lifting infrastructure so the next generation of people can have a dynamic, entrepreneurial explosion into space.”
CEO, entrepeneur, born in 1964, Jeffrey…Jeffrey Bezos
“He yelled at the campaign’s data analysts, as if it were their fault that his father’s early leads over Biden were shrinking. ‘ We pay you to do this, ’ he said. ‘ How can this be happening? ’”
Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
“Just say no…And keep saying no…Over Half of the US population is continuing to say no to this unapproved experimental gene therapy! ‘My body, my choice!’ #2ndAmendmentIsForThis”
Rob Schneider
“In no other manner and by no other means, in my judgment, can our Indian population be so speedily and permanently reclaimed from the barbarism, idolatry, and savage life, as by the educational and missionary operations of the Christian people of our country.”
Hiram Price
U.S. Commissioner of Indian Affairs
U.S. Commissioner of Indian Affairs
“We birthed a nation from nothing — I mean, there was nothing here.”
Rick Santorum
Frothy Poop Mixture
Frothy Poop Mixture
“We ain’t woke.”
hatWRKS Nashville
Facist Haberdashery
Facist Haberdashery
“You know, I can laugh about things like the Grim Reaper, but calling me Moscow Mitch is over the top.”
Moscow Mitch McConnell (R-RU)
“You know, we can look back at a time in history where people were told to wear a gold star, and they were definitely treated like second class citizens, so much so that they were put in trains and taken to gas chambers in Nazi Germany. And this is exactly the type of abuse that Nancy Pelosi is talking about.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Ersatz Human,
Ersatz Human,
“He would never have anticipated finding himself in the situation, but for the president and the rally and the way everything went down. We’ve heard ‘ mob mentality ’ — and he describes it to a T.”
Brent Mayr
Defense Attorney & Insurrection Apologist
Defense Attorney & Insurrection Apologist
“They’re accusing me of being aggressive and saying that my mannerisms are wrong. It’s definitely the other way round.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA)
Moronic Asshole
Moronic Asshole
“His abuse of power as an elected member of Congress to smear a fellow veteran who works as a staffer in the same halls is disgraceful and unethical.”
494 U.S. Military Vets to Dan Crenshaw (R-TX)
“He was trying to get away from them, I guess, it looks like. I guess he was in very big trouble. He probably would have been killed.”
Donald Trump
“How shocked are we that 17-year-olds with rifles decided they had to maintain order when no one else would?”
Tucker Carlson
“#KyleRittenhouse is a national treasure.”
Aubrey Huff
“My husband’s administration has worked to try and affect change when it comes to issues around race and religion in this country.”
Melania Trump
Hertler
Hertler
“We’re looking at Chicago, too. We’re looking at New York. All run by very liberal Democrats. All run, really, by the radical left.”
Donald Trump
“Many of the people in DACA, no longer very young, are far from ‘angels.’ Some are very tough, hardened criminals.”
Donald Trump
“It isn’t enough, though. I’m done with ‘thoughts and prayers’ in the wake of such tragedy.”
Ben Orbach
Author and Entrepreneur
Author and Entrepreneur
“I mean, in this world, this is a world with a lot of problems. And it has been a world with a lot of problems for many years. Many, many years. You could say, frankly, for many centuries.”
Donald Trump