“What does Mike Johnson think about any issue under the sun? I said, well, go pick up a Bible off your shelf and read it—that’s my worldview.”
Mike Johnson
Self-Described Theocrat
Self-Described Theocrat
Just Fucking Weird
“If Jordan says he didn’t know about it, then he’s lying.”
Dunyasha Yetts
Ohio State Wrestler
Ohio State Wrestler
“We have apologized for our mistake, are working to determine how it happened and make sure it never happens again.”
Aramark
(Spoiler: This is the third time it’s happened.)
(Spoiler: This is the third time it’s happened.)
“The airship comes from China and is of a civilian nature”
Chinese Foreign Ministry
Stitching This With Their Best Espionage Story
Stitching This With Their Best Espionage Story
“Trump just announced for 2024. I stand with him. I never conceded my HD 14 race. Now researching my options.”
Solomon Peña
Grand Old Partier
Grand Old Partier
“We do stupid things in life.”
Rep.-elect George Santos (R-NY)
If That’s Even His Real Name
If That’s Even His Real Name
“Each card comes with an automatic chance to win amazing prizes like dinner with me. I don’t know if that’s an amazing prize, but it’s what we have.”
Donald Trump
Better Than Lincoln, Better Than Washington
Better Than Lincoln, Better Than Washington
“I am work with many police officers.”
Herschel Walker
Georgia Ranger
Georgia Ranger
“I’m going death con 3 On JEWISH PEOPLE The funny thing is I actually can’t be Anti Semitic because black people are actually Jew also”
Ye
Sshole
Sshole
“I know nothing of any woman having an abortion. If that had happened, I would have said there’s nothing to be ashamed of there. People have done that—but I know nothing about it.”
Herschel Walker
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
After all this, still not even cracking the top 10 worst NFL players ever.
“Put on the full armor of God. Stand firm against the left’s schemes.”
Ron DeSantis
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
20 Pounds of Shit in a 10 Dollar Suit
“There was no way of knowing if what they took was legitimate, or was there a plant?”
Donald Trump
Clearly Not Big Into Plants
Clearly Not Big Into Plants
“I’m the fucking president—take me up to the Capitol now!”
Donald Trump
The D.C. Strangler
The D.C. Strangler
“They want to know if you are eating a cheeseburger which is very bad because Bill Gates wants you to eat his fake meat that grows in a peach tree dish.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene
Bacteria Sample
Bacteria Sample
“Do you agree with this book … that babies are racist?”
Cancún Ted Cruz (R-MX)
Junior Senator From Quintana Roo
Junior Senator From Quintana Roo
“WHEREAS, Representative Cheney and Kinzinger are participating in a Democrat-led persecution of ordinary citizens engaged in legitimate political discourse…”
Republican National Confederacy
“I do love grilling and cooking, and that was silly, and I appreciate that everyone enjoys it.”
Mark Zuckerberg
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
Barbecue, Disinformation Connoisseur
“Jim Jordan called me crying, groveling, begging me to go against my brother, begging me, crying for a half-hour. That’s the kind of cover-up that’s going on there.”
Adam DiSabato
Ohio State Wrestler
Ohio State Wrestler
“He yelled at the campaign’s data analysts, as if it were their fault that his father’s early leads over Biden were shrinking. ‘ We pay you to do this, ’ he said. ‘ How can this be happening? ’”
Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump’s Catastrophic Final Year
“Just say no…And keep saying no…Over Half of the US population is continuing to say no to this unapproved experimental gene therapy! ‘My body, my choice!’ #2ndAmendmentIsForThis”
Rob Schneider
“Who among us would look perfect if every ex leaked every photo/text?”
Matt Gaetz
Bizarro Donny Osmond
Bizarro Donny Osmond
“Somebody pointed out that this is a ‘Mr.’ And we cannot have a ‘Mr’. Can we? We cannot have a ‘Mr.’ Somebody, somewhere, pointed out that this is toxic masculinity. Erm, and it was bad for somebody’s mental health somewhere to have Mr. Potato Head.”
Piers Morgan
Friend of LIterally No One
Friend of LIterally No One
“If President Trump grants me this miracle, I can honestly say I am putting everyone connected to that zoo and that industry behind me.”
Joe Exotic
“They’re afraid to say what’s on their mind for fear of getting into a fight. But if they have that guy or that group behind them, they’re more bold in saying what they think, because they think someone has their back. The Proud Boys are the vehicle that attracts those people and accepts them in.”
Russell Schultz
ex-Proud Boy
ex-Proud Boy