FBI Total Landscaping

“Why would you do this to anyone, let alone...the personal lawyer to the 45th president of the United States.”

— Robert Costello, Idiot Lawyer's Idiot Lawyer, 

Child Safety Gaetz

“Who among us would look perfect if every ex leaked every photo/text?”

— Matt Gaetz, 

Mr. Potato Head: Classic Edition

“Somebody pointed out that this is a ‘Mr.’ And we cannot have a 'Mr'. Can we? We cannot have a ‘Mr.’ Somebody, somewhere, pointed out that this is toxic masculinity. Erm, and it was bad for somebody's mental health somewhere to have Mr. Potato Head.”

— Piers Morgan, 

Death Star of David

“What would that look like anyway? A laser beam or light beam coming down to Earth I guess. Could that cause a fire? Hmmm, I don’t know. I hope not! That wouldn’t look so good for PG&E, Rothschild Inc, Solaren or Jerry Brown who sure does seem fond of PG&E.”

— Marjorie Taylor Greene, 

Tenement on Wheels

“Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our country cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks by people that believe only in Jihad…”

— Donald Trump, 

To Pardon a Predator

“I feel I’m nothing today. I feel I’m nothing. I lost my son and I feel I’m nothing.”

— Mohammed Kinani, 

The Fire of Rome, Hubert Robert, 1771

“As the Holiday season approaches, President Trump will continue to work tirelessly for the American People.”

— The White House, 

Baskin Robbed Him

“If President Trump grants me this miracle, I can honestly say I am putting everyone connected to that zoo and that industry behind me.”

— Joe Exotic, 

Hooray, We’re Saved

“…almost 12 million renters faced average rent and utility debts of $5,850…The estimate is almost ten times the size of the $600 checks offered in Congress' second COVID-19 stimulus package.”

— Moodys Analytics, 

Just Tell Mike Whatever He Needs To Hear to Get Him In That Chair

“…the great vast majority of the psychological community says homosexuality at a very minimum is a choice by the individual, and at the maximum, is a learned behavior.”

— Mike Pence, 

Stop the Steal

“The magnitude of this national security breach is hard to overstate.”

— Thomas P. Bossert, Former DHS Security Advisor, 

Proud of What Exactly?

“They're afraid to say what's on their mind for fear of getting into a fight. But if they have that guy or that group behind them, they're more bold in saying what they think, because they think someone has their back. The Proud Boys are the vehicle that attracts those people and accepts them in.”

— Russell Schultz, ex-Proud Boy, 

“Disinfectant Misting Services”

“…a team deployed by the General Services Administration will…‘thoroughly clean and disinfect’ all furniture, doorknobs, handrails and light switches, before Biden and his team move in. Additionally, a private contractor will provide ‘disinfectant misting services’ to clear the air of lingering droplets.”

— Politico, 

Does Not Cure Death

“It's going to be gradual, and I think we will know when we see the level of infection in the country at a dramatically lower level than it is right now that we can start gradually tiptoeing toward normality.”

— Dr. Anthony Fauci, 

It’s No Worse Than The Flu-Haul

“The Swine Flu (H1N1), and the attempt for a vaccine by the Obama Administration, with Joe Biden in charge, was a complete and total disaster. Now they want to come in and take over one of the “greatest and fastest medical miracles in modern day history.” I don’t think so!”

— Donald Trump, 


“Wednesday's toll eclipsed American deaths on the opening day of the Normandy invasion during World War II: 2,500, out of some 4,400 Allied dead.”

— Associated Press, 

Alright, We’ll Call it a Draw

“…we’re going to win this election in a landslide.”

— Donald Trump, 

Three Thousand Per Day

“Things are really bad.”

— Dr. Ashish Jha, Brown Univ School of Public Health, 

Release the Bull Kraken

“President Trump won this election in a landslide…it’s going to be irrefutable…this is essentially a new American revolution…and I’m going to release the Kraken.”

— Sidney Powell, 

It’s What’s For Dinner

“…those facing hunger will swell to 1 in 6 people, from 35 million in 2019 to more than 50 million by this year’s end. The consequences are even more dire for children — 1 in 4.”

— Feeding America, 


“.@RudyGiuliani, by far the greatest mayor in the history of NYC, and who has been working tirelessly exposing the most corrupt election (by far!) in the history of the USA, has tested positive for the China Virus. Get better soon Rudy, we will carry on!!!”

— Donald Trump, 

Infectious Laundry

“This criticism is fair. It doesn't matter whether something is technically allowed or not—I need to hold myself to a higher standard and I will do better.”

— Mayor London Breed, 


“There's plenty of data that could show in states with mask mandates are also having record cases and record deaths. If someone can show me the correlation between the mandate and their performance, that would be a good thing to see.”

— Gov. Doug Burgum, 

Community Theft

“As has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong?”

— Donald Trump, 

He Completes Him

“The president out the door needs to pardon his whole family and himself because they want this witch hunt to go on in perpetuity. They're so full of rage and insanity against the president.”

— Sean Hannity, 

It‘s Beginning to Look a Lot Like COVID

“That's all I hear about now. That's all I hear. Turn on television—Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid. A plane goes down. 500 people dead, they don't talk about it. Covid, Covid, Covid, Covid. By the way, on November 4, you won't hear about it anymore.”

— Donald Trump, 

Who Gives a Fuck About Christmas?

“Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations? But I need to do it, right?”

— Melania Trump, 

The Man in the High Chair

“For purposes of National Security, Section 230 must be immediately terminated!!!”

— Donald Trump, 

Happy Plaguesgiving!

“I encourage all Americans to gather, in homes and places of worship, to offer a prayer of thanks to God for our many blessings.”

— Donald Trump, 

I Don’t Really Carrot All, Do U?

“I can tell you we’ve come to a conclusion, and Carrots, I’m sorry to tell you the result did not change. It’s too bad for Carrots.”

— Donald Trump, 


“We were 3½ miles through darkness to get there. There was no direction given.”

— Kris Beckenbach, Trump Rally Volunteer, 

Bug Carrier

“…the vice president will maintain his schedule in accordance with the C.D.C. guidelines for essential personnel.”

— Devin O'Malley, Spokesman for Mike Pence, 


“No, I pay tax. I pay a lot of tax. I just signed a big fat check recently for a lot of tax. I paid literally, I paid a lot of tax and you know, look, I don’t mind. I’m proud to pay it up. If I owe it, I pay it.”

— Donald Trump, 

Orange Skies At Morning

“[My] policies are promoting economic growth, while still maintaining standards that allow Americans to have among the cleanest air and water in the world.”

— Donald Trump, 

Officer in Training

“He was trying to get away from them, I guess, it looks like. I guess he was in very big trouble. He probably would have been killed.”

— Donald Trump, 

A Well Regulated Militia

“How shocked are we that 17-year-olds with rifles decided they had to maintain order when no one else would?”

— Tucker Carlson, 

Stop, and I’ll shoot!

“America is a gift from God, preserved only by heroes who dared to fight and protect it as their own.”

— Tiny-faced Fascist Dipshit Charlie Kirk, 

Owed DeJoy

“If we don’t make a deal, that means they don’t get the money. That means they can’t have universal mail-in voting; they just can’t have it.”

— Donald Trump, 

Operation Anonymous Violence

“We’re looking at Chicago, too. We’re looking at New York. All run by very liberal Democrats. All run, really, by the radical left.”

— Donald Trump, 

Frijoles Supremo

“The Radical Left smear machine backfired, people are buying like crazy!”

— Donald Trump, 

Animals and Thugs

“Stop treating us like animals and thugs and start treating us with some respect.”

— NYPD Union Boss Mike O'Meara, 

No, You’re the Puppet

“Fact--Obama does not read his intelligence briefings nor does he get briefed in person by the CIA or DOD. Too busy I guess!”

— Donald Trump, 


“I have experience now, so I would know better than to do things like hire John Bolton, who sucks.”

— Donald Trump, 


“WOW! The Trump Rally gives @FoxNews the “LARGEST SATURDAY NIGHT AUDIENCE IN ITS HUSTORY”. Isn’t it amazing that virtually nobody in the Lamestream Media is reporting this rather major feat!”

— Donald Trump, 


“It's actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it.”

— Donald Trump, 

A Way of Life

“The pattern looked like obstruction of justice as a way of life.”

— John Bolton, 

LBGTs for Trump

“Thank you to the LGBT community! I will fight for you while Hillary brings in more people that will threaten your freedoms and beliefs.”

— Donald Trump, 

Heritage Mask

“Our history as the Greatest Nation in the World will not be tampered with.”

— Donald Trump, 

Two Corinthians

“We're going to protect Christianity. I can say that. I don't have to be politically correct, Two Corinthians 3:17, that's the whole ballgame…is that the one you like?”

— Donald Trump, 

Fort bin Laden

“These Monumental and very Powerful Bases have become part of a Great American Heritage…my Administration will not even consider the renaming of these Magnificent and Fabled Military Installations.”

— Donald Trump, 

ANTIFA Provocateur

“Buffalo protester shoved by Police could be an ANTIFA provocateur. 75 year old Martin Gugino was pushed away after appearing to scan police communications in order to black out the equipment. @OANN I watched, he fell harder than was pushed. Was aiming scanner. Could be a set up?”

— Donald Trump, 

A Much More Gentle Fashion

“Ninety-nine percent of them are great, great people. The police are doing an incredible job. We're going to talk about ideas how we can do it better and how we can do it if possible in a much more gentle fashion.”

— Donald Trump, 

Tuckkker Carlson

“This may be a lot of things, this moment we are living through, but it is definitely not about black lives. And remember that when they come for you, and at this rate, they will. Anyone who has ever been subjected to the rage of the mob knows the feeling. It’s like being swarmed by hornets. You cannot think clearly.”

— Tucker Carlson, 

Quiet Please

“I was down during the day and I was there for a tiny, little short period of time. And it was much more for an inspection. There was no problem during the day.”

— Donald Trump, 


“I am your President of law and order, and an ally of all peaceful protesters.”

— Donald Trump, 

Blue Lives Matter

“When you see these thugs being thrown into the back of a paddy wagon, you just seen them thrown in, rough. I said, ‘Please don’t be too nice,’”

— Donald Trump, 


“The United States of America will be designating ANTIFA as a Terrorist Organization.”

— Donald Trump, 

Total Domination

“We’re going to do something that people haven’t seen before. And you’re gonna have total domination.”

— Donald Trump, 

Three-Fifths Degree Murder

“Any difficulty and we will assume control but, when the looting starts, the shooting starts. Thank you!”

— Donald Trump, 

To the Trumpmobile!

“We have just reached a very sad milestone with the coronavirus pandemic deaths reaching 100,000. To all of the families & friends of those who have passed, I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy & love for everything that these great people stood for & represent. God be with you!”

— Donald Trump, 

Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor

“California and New York must do something about their TREMENDOUS Homeless problems. They are setting records! If their Governors can’t handle the situation, which they should be able to do very easily, they must call and politely ask for help. Would be so easy with competence!”

— Donald Trump, 

Twelve 9/11s

“Nothing is shut down, life & the economy go on. At this moment there are 546 confirmed cases of CoronaVirus, with 22 deaths. Think about that! ”

— Donald Trump, 

Stupid Pills

“I started taking it, because I think it's good. I've heard a lot of good stories.”

— Donald Trump, 

My Body, My Choice

“I think wearing a face mask as I greet presidents, prime ministers, dictators, kings, queens, I don’t know, somehow I don’t see it for myself. I just don’t. Maybe I’ll change my mind.”

— Donald Trump, 

Empthathy Graveyeard

“Will some people be affected? Yes. Will some people be affected badly? Yes. But we have to get our country open, and we have to get it open soon.”

— Donald Trump, 

Fuck Your Feelings

“When you test, you have a case. When you test you find something is wrong with people. If we didn’t do any testing, we would have very few cases.”

— Donald Trump, 

MAGA Mass Graves

“It's going to disappear. One day it’s like a miracle—it will disappear”

— Donald Trump, 

Tesla Biohazard

“California should let Tesla & @elonmusk open the plant, NOW. It can be done Fast & Safely!”

— Donald Trump, 

MAGA Bodybag

“It's going to go away without a vaccine…and we’re not going to see it again, hopefully, after a period of time.”

— Donald Trump, 

Maga Urn

“Coronavirus numbers are looking MUCH better, going down almost everywhere. Big progress being made!”

— Donald Trump, 

To Confirm a Predator

“Yes, we drank beer. My friends and I. The boys and girls. Yes, we drank beer. I liked beer. Still like beer. We drank beer.”

— Brett Kavanaugh, 

Space Force

“We are going to have the Air Force and we’re going to have the Space Force, separate but equal. It is going to be something so important.”

— Donald Trump,